Grief series - 1. Why grief hurts so much

I know that grief tends to be thought about as bereavement, i.e. after someone’s death. I have learnt in my work as a counsellor that grief can apply to the end of any relationship: for example the relationship to our own health, with ourselves or with some parts of ourselves, or some parts of our lives such as when we lose a job.

I think this is important to talk about not just in the context of counselling but to help make sense of what we may experience as part of being human.

Why losing someone hurts so much

In the context of bereavement, I think many people would argue that the hardest day is the day the person dies, or the day of the funeral, or the few days in between if there are days in between. 

I want to draw attention instead to the pain that stems from the daily reality of losing someone, the daily reminders such as going to bed alone or without checking on them before going to bed, or waking up every day in a world without them.

Or going to the supermarket and seeing their favourite brand of biscuits. 

When the first holiday comes up.

The first Mother's Day for example.

But also the next Mother's Day. 

It's not just the loss of the present with them, it's the loss of the future with them. 

For example, “What would they have looked like as a parent, as an aunt, as a teenager?”