Grief series - 2. Do we just move on?

It may surprise you to read that the most important aspect I have taken away from my counselling studies has been hearing that most people who go to counseling when they are grieving want help to grieve because they don't think they are grieving properly.

For example, they may think they have been grieving for too long or that they are still too attached to the person.

Now let's acknowledge I am a white person living in the Western world and my experience of having lived in Singapore, where I commonly saw little altars on the street for ancestors, taught me it is especially true in the Western world to think there is a right timeline for grief - it is acceptable for a time to cry and be distressed, but then “come on, get on with your life”.

So I want to start here by saying that there is no timeline for grief.

In the context of bereavement, we can’t deny that the person has died and the loss is forever. But our relationship with the person who has died lasts forever. They remain our friend, our child, our parent, our cousin, forever.

Relationships don’t die

The task will now be about finding new ways for this relationship to exist in our lives. 

I heard a metaphor about grief that said the loss does not decrease over time, but we grow around it. 

I think this is a beautiful way to invite each and everyone of us to wonder, how to live life around our losses?

One example of a question this entails for me, living in Australia, is: Do we really need to stop talking about people who have died? Yes it makes us feel uncomfortable, it's really awkward. But just because we don’t know how to do it, does it mean we don’t do it?