Relationships 2. What does communication look like?

Part 1 in this series mentioned that relationships all start within ourselves. 

Now, how does this play up in relationships with others? 

When we're interacting with another person, we think there are only two people in the interaction.

Actually there are many more “people” or “parts” that are present: there are indeed the two individuals, but also for example their current feelings and circumstances (“I've had a rough day”, “I'm tired, can't really be bothered listening to others”), or their sense of self and beliefs (“I believe that others hate me”).

These parts all act like filters between both people and play up in the transmission of messages between both individuals, i.e. in what is said and heard and how it is said and heard. 

I may think I'm telling someone “this orange is orange”, but they may understand “this apple is red”.

All because of these filters that are present in any interaction between people. 

This, to me, is the really big key to human relationships and communication.

You may think you are saying something that is very easily understandable, but the other person may not receive that at all because the way you said it reminded them of the way someone used to talk to them in the past that they really hated, and now they are afraid when someone talks to them this way. 

Or there is just one word you said that triggered them and they were not able to hear the rest of your sentence.

Being aware of this matters for two reasons.

First because it can help to know that it's not always what we say that gets heard. Actually, most of the time, what we say does not get heard in the same way we mean it. 

So the key to communication is to understand we all come with our baggage, with everything we carry within us, which influences how we show up and interpret any interaction and conversation.

But it also means that any interaction and relationship provides us with an opportunity to be curious about our own self: “Is this me reacting to this current conversation or is my body reacting to something it brings up from my past?”.